still tired

been tired

  1. you: what happened to your love?
  2. me: it drowned in champagne

We held hands as we watched the city of lovers we created burn. As the flames got bigger, our hearts began to swell and our heartbeats turned into 808 drums. The ash stained our faces and the smoke filled our lungs. Instead of growing scared, we grew amazed. The city took our secrets and most treasured possessions up in flames with it. We no longer had to worry about what we were told was right and wrong. To us, love became a second language instead of an indecent and unfamiliar gesture. You touched me and I felt electric. They warned us but we didn’t listen. This is what happens when flames touch tainted skin.

Everybody was kissing fire. We all got burned. 

It’s been days and I miss you. I miss the tips of your fingers, the softness of your lips, and every part of you that makes you indescribably perfect to my naivety. You’ve been on my mind constantly since you’ve left. I’ve been watching our home movies but I can’t get through them because I’m too preoccupied with pausing whenever I see your smile and rewinding every time I hear your laugh. I’m listening to the mixtape you left me and I’m trying to get through that too but I’ve been stuck on that one song that goes “your love was foreign to me, it made me think maybe human is not such a bad thing to be and it’s been on repeat for a while now because it fits my feelings for you so perfectly. Memories of you are the only thing keeping me together and the taste of you still lingers on my tongue. I hope it never fades.

It’s been weeks and I’m longing for you. I’m longing for your kiss, your touch, and the simplicity of your warmth. I’m waiting ever so patiently for you to come back. I’ve been watching our home movies again, I’ve gotten past your smile and your laugh and I’ve gotten to the parts that I tried my best to forget. I’m still listening to that mixtape; I’ve gotten sick of that song I used to have on repeat and now I’ve gotten up to the song that goes “Taylor, why did you leave me? Oh Taylor, I wish you’d call some time. To call Taylor, why was it so hard? Oh, I wish I knew what’s on your mind…and it makes me think a lot. Memories of you are still the only thing sustaining me and the taste of you is still in my mouth. I’m still hoping.

It’s been months and you’re becoming a ghost and I can tell because you haunt me whenever I find myself forgetting you. When are you coming back? I’ve finally finished our home movies, the screen faded to black at the most climactic part; I had forgotten how heavy your blow was. I’ve finished the mixtape you left me and now it’s covered in scratches, I forgot how I much hated stupid love songs. I’m beginning to think my memories of you are just figments of my childish imagination and the taste of you that’s in my mouth has become bitter. Maybe hope is not enough.

I’ve lost count of the days, weeks, and months. I tried so hard to hold on to you that I lost myself in the process. You promised me that you were going to come back, but we both knew from the beginning that I was always too naive. I’ve thrown out our depressing home movies and that stupid mixtape. I’ve burned everything that reminds me of you, everything except myself, at least. Those memories of you that used to keep me together are now only tearing me apart and I would give anything to get the taste of you out of my mouth. Hope was never enough.

It’s 4 in the morning and I am wide awake and instead of using my energy to do something productive, I am using it to write about you.

With the softest touch you caressed my skin, my body started to burn and soon I was on fire. You were potent and I was vile. When our chemicals reacted, we created a work of art that was envied by all the gods. We were made to be apart but born to coincide for the beautifully gruesome endeavor that the stars had so rightfully mapped out for us. Maybe we both knew it would kill us but we stuck around because the pain gave us a pleasure and a love that tore at our hearts with every quiet breath and every foul blow.

We’re burning in the outer galaxies. Our gasses have shot out and our smoke is filling the atmosphere. We’re the dark matter no one knows but everyone talks about. We’re in the deepest corners and crevices in every unknown.

You’re screaming and I’m begging. You’re hoping and I’m praying. I hate you has become our I love you and I love you has become the sad reminder that no matter how much we fight it, we’re in this for the long run. Abuse is second nature and pain is a virtue for something we’ve both been longing for. These third degree burns are my way of saying “stay” and your way of saying “I need you”. The harder we push, the closer we’ll stay.

We’ve burnt the night sky with our love and used the stars to write “forever”.

I promised myself I wouldn’t go through this again. I lied.

  1. Believing in you is something I’m not ready to do. Honestly, I never thought this day would come. In truth, I was hoping you were with her. I was hoping for your happiness and for your sadness and hoping you would get yourself so lost that you would never find your way back to me.
  2. I’m still so naïve. It’s been 18 hours and I’m already thinking of you in ways I shouldn’t and in ways I promised I wouldn’t. I’m trying to remember your scent, the way your body felt pressed against mine, and the softness of your hands but, it all got damaged in the fire that was raging inside of me.
  3. I still think you’re telling me things I want to hear and I can tell because it sounds like a song that’s been on repeat in my life for the past five years. You’re singing it and I’m trying hopelessly not to sing a long.
  4. I’ll try this time but differently. This time I won’t let you into my secret domain and I’ll learn to keep some things to myself. I’ll try not to get so attached even though I can already feel myself getting stuck.

I promised I’d never write about you again but here I am and here you are, in between the lines and the margins. If only you’d stay.

Summer is starting to drift away and so are you. I’ve begun to forget the color of your eyes and the sunset, the sound of your voice and the sound of the wind coming through my window, and the placement of your smile and the sun at high noon.

It’ll get cold soon. The light that used to shine in your eyes; the light that gave me hope and kept you alive is starting to fade away. I wish it could stay but no matter how hard I wish, summer will slip away from me, just like you did every year.

It’s cold now. I’m trying so desperately to remember the color of the summer sunset and imagining that it matches the color of your eyes. The wind is coming through my window and I’m listening so cautiously as if it were the last words you will ever say to me. And although it’s not the sun, I’m staring at the moon while it’s at its highest peak and imagining that it’s you smiling down at me waiting ever so patiently for your return.